Words Matter More Than You Might Imagine

We’re all familiar with the old childhood chant of, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Surely, it was a well-intentioned refrain, meant to empower children to endure emotional bullying, but the simple fact is that it just isn’t true. The words that are directed towards us, both positive and negative, have a lasting impact. Sometimes these messages stick with us for a lifetime. In fact, certain messages we receive during critical times in our lives not only have the ability to change how we feel about ourselves and interact with the world, they can also be potent enough to cause an already fragile person to end their life, and strong enough to save lives.

In a perfect world, none of us would ever say anything unkind, ever. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that most people deeply regret it when they injure people with their words and wish that they could reverse time and take them back. We don’t live in a perfect world, and all of us, being fallible human beings, have at times said things that weren’t loving and supportive, and yes, even cruel. We might never achieve perfection in the form of gentle speech, but we can all work towards that goal and make significant improvements.

Watch Your Mouth: Five Ways to Increase Kindness

Whether you are habitually negative or unkind, or only occasionally have a lapse in judgment during moments of intense emotion, we can all learn to be better listeners and better talkers. By following these five simple steps we can develop emotionally healthy ways to ensure that we minimize hurting others and maximize our compassion and love towards the people we interact with.

1. Listen – Listen with the intent of hearing, not responding. This means that when someone is telling you something, you allow them to finish without interrupting. You might be feeling preemptively angry about something that isn’t even real. A few words can change the meaning of everything that came before them. When you really hear what people are saying, rather than what you’re imagining, you may find that your responses change entirely.
2. Pause – When it is your turn to speak, take two slow, deep breaths before responding. This brief pause allows you the chance to think before speaking, rather than blurting out something you might regret later.
3. Mirror – In order to avoid misunderstandings, repeat back whatever you thought you heard, “What I heard you saying is (fill in the blank). Did I understand that correctly?” This lets the other person know that you’re really listening, that you’re interested in understanding where they are coming from, and also allows them the chance to explain themselves if you misunderstood something they said.
4. Empathize – Empathy is different sympathy or pity. It is literally putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagining what they must be feeling. When you take the time to try to see things from another person’s perspective, it increases their humanity in your mind and can help you see things in an entirely new light.
5. Say nothing – Occasionally, we just can’t think of a single thing to say that isn’t cruel or judgmental. When this is the case, it’s better to say nothing at all. Walk away if you need to. Ask for space. Continue the conversation after you’ve cooled down, or maybe even slept on it.

When you become mindful of the words you release into the world, you’re not just helping the people you’re talking to, you’re also helping yourself. You’ll have fewer regrets, you’ll feel more connected, and you’ll notice a softening inside of yourself that allows for greater enjoyment and appreciation of your friends and loved ones. It’s a win/win situation.

Devon is a Licensed Mental Health/Substance Abuse Counselor, Personal Life Coach, Certified Personal Trainer, and a nationally certified teacher.  She is committed to helping young people be their highest selves in all areas: body, mind, and spirit.  Her expertise, enthusiasm, energy and educational background serve to create a unique blend of services and techniques employed to help you reach your goals.  For counseling sessions, coaching, or training, please contact her at 505.469.0779 or herndonconsulting@gmail.com.